From Darkness to Dawn

Indeed, my darkness was unique to me, just as yours is to you. It was seen, felt, and lived through me. And yet, the concept of darkness is universal. The details may differ, but the feelings of fear, loneliness, and self-doubt are unmistakable. These shadows are part of the human experience we all share. 

I remember the happy, carefree days of childhood innocence when life felt bright and boundless. There wasn't a single moment that plunged me into despair; instead, it was a slow, steady descent, step by step. Some steps were chosen by others. Some were shaped by my reactions. And some, I took with my own will. It began with constant ridicule, the hatred others hurled at me becoming the lens through which I saw myself. I internalized their venom and wore it like skin: I'm ugly. I'm a bitch. I'm lazy. I can't do anything right. I'm stupid. I'm dumb. Why can't I just do what I'm told? Eventually, I found the courage to ask for help, but my words were dismissed, twisted into a caricature: just a silly, dramatic girl. So I screamed without sound. I cried without tears. And before I knew it, I was drowning in a dark sea of despair. 

I don't think my mother intended the name she gave me to become a beacon for myself, and perhaps even for you. She named me while deep in her own darkness. It only deepened in the years after my birth, shaping a mother who hated her infant child. I was a reflection of the man who had not only beaten her but tried to kill her, my brother, and me during a drunken rage. 

I learned this part of my story only last year, after my father passed. My much older brother, who has carried the trauma of that night his whole life, shared the truth to help me understand the root of our mother's pain and her relationship with me. 

I paid for the sins of my father in the hatred she projected on me. And my father? He ran from my need for love, believing he didn't deserve it. But I internalized it as if I were not deserving of his love.

 And yet…

Every night of darkness becomes a Dawn. 

There is always hope for a new beginning, a fresh start, a brighter future. My name became my compass, leading me from the depths not as something jagged and broken, but as something softened and shaped by the waves. Like sea glass, I am no longer shattered. I am smoothed. I am softened. I am a gem. 

Circumstances tried to break me again and again. But they couldn't. 

Because I remembered who I am. 

Because I chose to rise. 

Because Dawn always comes.

PS  I loved my father and was blessed to know him as a recovered alcoholic. I didn't see the man who tried to hurt me, and I can’t understand his feelings at that time, but I have forgiven him.